So I decided in January that I was going to make this year my year. I was tired of making excuses and I am ready for a change. This past year I have had to work through some things in my life that have caused me the most pain and stress that I have every felt. I really didn't know how to deal with this kind of stress. I have never had to deal with anything that felt like a crisis before. But this past year and half I felt kind of like I was in crisis mode. I have had to deal with some family issues that I didn't think I would ever have to deal with. Also and underlying stressor that I don't think I realized was affecting me as much as I wanted to admit was not getting pregnant after having my first child. My husband and I were pleasantly surprised by our first pregnancy and it prompted some good changes in our life. We bought our first home and I was able to stay home with our daughter. But after a while we decided we wanted to try for another baby. We tried for about 10 months. Then finally the day came when we found out we were pregnant. I was ecstatic!!!! We decided to go to a midwife and try having the baby natural. I was really excited at first. But as the weeks went on I got kind of nervous. My first ultrasound was early and they couldn't hear the babies heart beat. They said I was too early. After that I was really nervous. After a couple of weeks I decided that I would feel more comfortable going to my previous doctors office where I went with my first pregnancy. I made an appointment and they got me in right away. They did a confirmation pregnancy test and then they gave me booklets and I was getting really excited. My mom came with me that day so that she could watch my daughter while I was with the drs. They tried listening to the babies heart beat and then since they couldn't hear it they said we will do an ultrasound. I felt like they couldn't hear the heart beat because I was overweight. So I excitedly asked my mom to bring my daughter in so that they could see my baby. I was so excited about seeing him/her. So we went into the ultrasound room and they starting taking pictures. I could tell something was wrong. The tech said she was going to get the dr to read the results. The doctor came in and told me that there was no heart beat. I was devastated. I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. I was almost 12 weeks along in the pregnancy but the dr said that the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. I felt sick. I was so sure that by this time everything was going to be ok. I was almost past my first trimester. I didn't even have any signs of a problem. I had no bleeding or spotting. I felt pregnant. After that the doctor explained what my options were and I decided to have a D&C, which is a surgery they do to remove the nonliving baby. They scheduled it for the next day. I was choking back tears as I walked across the doctors office in front of other expecting happy moms. When I got out to the car I called my husband and the tears just started flowing. I told him, "I lost our baby." He came home that night (he works out of town) and the next day he took me to the outpatient surgery to have the D&C. I remember being so sad and scared. The surgery place was set up like a hospital. They put me in a hospital bed and hooked me up to IV's. The nurses were very kind and supportive of me. When they wheeled me to the operating room, I was numb. The operating room was cold and sterile. They were playing some kind of music on the radio. I don't remember what it was, but I felt numb to it. When I woke up from the anesthesia I just started crying and crying. The nurses brought me to my husband Jeremy and told him I was having a hard time. He just held me.
I had the D&C on a wednesday. Sunday morning I woke up and rushed to the bathroom. I started passing huge blood clots. I was scared. I tried calling my doctor but there emergency system was down. I finally decided to go to the hospital. I don't remember ever being that scared before about my health. I thought what if I lose my ability to have more kids. What if I lose too much blood. My husband brought me in but because he had our daughter he couldn't stay with me. They put me in a hospital gown with no underwear which I thought was absurd because I kept passing blood clots. I was so uncomfortable. The nurses came in and out but I felt so alone. I got up once to go to the bathroom and ended up making a mess on the bathroom floor. Eventually they transported me up to have a vaginal ultrasound. They put me in the hallway outside the door for the ultrasound room and I waited forever. The hallway was empty. Finally they brought me into the ultrasound room and did a somewhat painful ultrasound. Then I waited for over and hour for them to transport me back downstairs. By this time my Jeremy was back because my mom came down to watch our daughter. We waited for the doctors prognosis of this being normal and he gave me some medicine for bleeding. That was my worst hospital experience.
Over the next few weeks we cried a lot and wrote in journals to help us heal. I found a counselor I liked. But I don't feel like I've been the same since the miscarriage. I kind of gave up on all my dreams and goals. My only focus was on living day to day and taking care of my daughter.
By the end of december I was feeling fed up with myself and my inability to get my life back in order. So January 1st I decided to start over and make 2012 my year. I want to create good circumstances for myself and make my mental, physical, and spiritual health a priority. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want to set goals and achieve them.
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